I used to think opposites attract until I dated someone with different beliefs

“I don’t know how we managed to avoid the conversation for so long, but it took me about three years into the relationship to realise he was firmly against abortion.”

For a long time, I ascribed to the idea that opposites attract and that a difference in beliefs is not relationship ending. My go-to line was, “It means I don’t live inside a bubble and I’m so glad we can have these conversations!”. In retrospect, how naive.

At the time, I was dating someone who had polar opposite views from me, both socially and politically. I became the queen of saying things like, “It’s okay to disagree” or “Arguing with him makes me understand what I believe in even more”.

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But that kind of argument really failed to acknowledge the breadth of our differences. It wasn’t like we were debating what flavoured milk was superior. I think I was partly so unphased by our different views because I’d grown up with parents with opposing political views.

While they argued, they made it work, and many celebrity couples made me feel it was normal and doable. For instance, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell and, more locally, Rosie Waterland and Caleb Bond.

We were also dating before politics had become quite as polarising, and it was easy enough not to dig too deeply into our differences. We weren’t at the height of everyone sharing political memes and womens’ abortion rights being stripped in Texas.

There’s also a ton of privilege involved here. It was easy for me to be passive about his beliefs. I am a White middle-class woman and his views weren’t exactly impacting my life. Until, of course, they did.

I don’t know how we managed to avoid the conversation for so long, but it took me about three years into the relationship to realise he was firmly against abortion. While his views scared and alarmed me, by that point, it felt like we were too far into the relationship to just throw it away over an opposing opinion.

I also liked to pretend that he didn’t really understand what he was saying and that if he realised how hurtful his views were to women, he’d change them, but that was probably wishful thinking. Still, it weighed on me. I had to live with the fact that my boyfriend would vote for me to have fewer rights if it came down to it.

It also meant that he would expect me to complete a pregnancy if I accidentally fell pregnant in the relationship. At the age and stage of my life that I was in, that was something I was never going to do. So it created this quiet, uncomfortable tension, and we both avoided the topic.

Eventually, our relationship soured. His views became more and more conservative and it felt like I was literally sleeping with the enemy. I’ve reflected on this a lot since we broke up. Was that relationship confirmation that two people can’t be together if they disagree? Or were we just not a great match, and therefore, our disagreements managed to break us?

The conclusion I’ve come to is that we didn’t just disagree. We had a different belief system. Sometimes we like to think that our politics can be separate from our character, but I don’t believe that is entirely true. Sure, at the beginning of the relationship, it was easy to ignore his opinions because they didn’t directly impact me, but the further your relationship progresses with someone, the more their opinions will affect you.

You can date a guy quite happily for a long time that really wants to live in Tokyo, but after two years, his relocation dreams will be an actual issue in your relationship. You can date a guy very happily that likes to stay at home and doesn’t enjoy socialising, probably for years, but eventually, you’ll likely want a partner that is prepared to go to the odd party or social event. In relationships, we can only play the ‘ignore game’ for so long until what we’re ignoring becomes the elephant in the room.

Eventually, our differing beliefs were beginning to leave their marks. He didn’t want to read my writing because I disagreed with him. I didn’t want to go to parties with him because I was worried he’d start an argument with someone over his fairly niche beliefs. Suddenly our views weren’t just what made us different – they were what made us incompatible. How do you support your partner when you can’t support what they believe in?

Interestingly, since that relationship ended, finding someone that has the same beliefs as me has been the number one requirement on my list. The truth is, it’s nice to share a bed and a life with someone that you know is on your team and is willing to fight for the same things you want to fight for.

I’m not saying a relationship can never work if you have opposing views, but I do wonder, can you ever truly work well? If you see the world so differently, then maybe trying to establish or maintain your authentic self within the constraints of a relationship is just too complicated.

For more on coping with different beliefs in relationships, try this.