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Riverdale Recap Season 4 Episode 2: Can you give spoilers for a show if nothing actually happened?

Image via The CW
Words by Maeve Kerr-Crowley

A word from the Reggie-With-a-Baseball-Bat Fan Club.

Remember last week when I said I was ready for the action to start post-memorial episode?

In the wake of episode two, I can safely report that I’m still ready for the action to start, due to the fact that absolutely nothing has happened in the town of Riverdale yet. 

Archie is still on his boxing career path, which (if his pattern holds) we can expect another season of before he 180s onto something completely unrelated that he’s never expressed an inkling of interest in before.

We’ll apparently still be getting any excuse for a musical number – the first of the season involved a spiteful rendition of ‘All That Jazz’ performed by Veronica, Cheryl, Toni and two randoms we’ll never see again – as well as more of the show’s all-time favourite scenes: two couples having sex at the same time set to an edgy Billie Eilish track.

And, of course, these children are still way under-supervised. More so than ever, now that Fred, Alice, Hal, Penelope, Hiram and Hermione are out of the picture for one reason (death) or another (jail/cult abduction/secret career as an FBI agent). While Molly Ringwald is the most reasonable adult to ever be featured on this show, having Sheriff FP as her only assistance makes me question how much teen-wrangling she’ll actually be able to do. 

I hope none of you were expecting answers to the Season Three cliffhangers just yet, because Alice and Polly are still uncontactable at The Farm, and Penelope Blossom barely scrapes a mention all episode.

A few smaller questions I had about characters outside the horny foursome did get some attention though, so let’s run through them on the off chance you were wondering the same things I was.

Yes, muscular delight Mad Dog is sticking around. But please don’t call him Mad Dog anymore, it’s Munroe Moore and he’s here to learn and experience the epic highs and lows of high school football.

Yes, it seems like Reggie’s home situation is finally being taken seriously (you know, instead of using a passing allusion to domestic abuse as a tool to drive narrative tension). At the very least, a healthy chunk of the episode was dedicated to him standing up for himself and smashing up his dad’s fancy car with help from his Bro 4 Life, Archikins.

The show dealt with the dead principal of it all by bringing one of my personal favourite ’00s actors, Kerr Smith, in as the sour-faced killjoy, Mr Honey. Seems like he sucks, and also Cheryl is intent on destroying him, so that should be fun to follow. 

 

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Can’t have Honey without a Queen Bee. Stream new episodes free only on The CW App: Link in bio. #Riverdale

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Finally, no, Kevin is not okay. Baby boy is not only traumatised by the whole cult situation, but after a summer of social pariah-ism, he’s now he’s being used by Betty and her FBI brother to try and hunt down The Farm. My Season Four wishlist for sweet, misguided Kevin is a swift redemption arc, an emotionally available, non-cult-affiliated boyfriend, and a lengthy rest.

Of course, it’s only the second episode, and it wouldn’t be right if we weren’t left with twice as many questions as we had going in. Plenty still plagues my mind, which is more than enough to keep me coming back for more. 

Following on from the gang’s ceremonial burning of Jughead’s beanie last season, we were gifted another spring break flash forward implying Serpent Boy is lost in the woods somewhere after someone has committed a gruesome crime. We’re also apparently in for a significant storyline about his transfer to a fancy prep school, which means sitting through people insisting on calling him Forsyth.

But also, who’s raising Polly’s babies right now? Where do all these orphaned children live? Is anyone going to take this corpse away from Cheryl? Did she actually just throw a sheet over said corpse in order to throw a house party? Are Chad Michael Murray’s abs coming back?

Come back next week, when we’ll probably still be asking the exact same questions. 

Tune in for Riverdale recaps every Friday as we slowly drive ourselves Cheryl Blossom-level crazy trying to understand this show. Read past recaps here.

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