What’s the deal with spit roasting? A sex coach explains the threesome sex position

A sexual sandwich!

The term: it’s a little vulgar, isn’t it? Yet it’s certainly evocative. I’ll lay it out for you, in case you’re confused. We’re not talking about a Hawaiian luau situation. We’re talking about sex.

In the spit-roasting position, a receiving partner is in the middle, similar to a juicy and succulent slab of meat. Two giving partners are also involved – one at the front and one at the back. It’s also known by some as an Eiffel Tower, or more technically (and gender-normatively) a male-female-male threesome. A sexual sandwich!

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While to some this arrangement may seem a little intense, to others it’s a dream come true. The prevalence of porn catering to this market is evidence alone that it’s a common fantasy (let’s be honest – you know what I’m talking about).

Brisbane-based sex coach Rebel Glea says in heterosexual scenarios, it’s typically the woman who is more interested in trying out a MFM threesome. “Men might have an issue with it,” she says. “They’re probably thinking about the fact that their bits might touch their bits, things like that.” Whereas for the woman, it’s her time to shine.

“I do believe that it would be such a turn-on for the woman because the guys are [usually mainly] paying attention to her. Imagine being kissed on the lips while being kissed on the other lips and having two guys’ hands… and all the different things that you can do. If I have to be really graphic, there are so many different holes, aren’t there? I mean, any hole is a goal.”

If everything you’ve read so far has piqued your excitement and you’re looking to test out the position for yourself, the first thing to do is find your other participants. If you’re in a relationship and want to propose the idea to your partner, Rebel suggests proceeding with caution. “You both have to be on the same page, and that conversation [might] be a hard one to have,” she says. “First of all, you [can] say fantasy is fantasy and it’s just that, it doesn’t have to become a reality.”

She advises opening up the discussion with a casual chat, perhaps over a drink. Rather than jumping into talking about your desires, bring up the subject of fantasy in an ‘I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours’ kind of way. If you’re in need of an icebreaker, she says couples card games or board games can be a useful tool. “If someone is on your page and they say, ‘Oh wow, that’d be pretty cool’, then all you need is the other participant to say ‘Okay, let’s do this’.”

Finding that third player may take a bit of effort. If you’re lucky, you might have a friend who would be keen, but make sure you choose wisely to avoid any jealousy or weirdness. If not, you can try to pick up someone the old-fashioned way with the classic ‘we saw you from across the bar and really dig your vibe’. 

Kink-based dating apps like Feeld can be a good option, as users speak openly about their wants and needs. Rebel says if you want to make sure everything is clean cut and safe, you can always turn to the professionals. “The best way, I believe, is to organise something where you know there’s not going to be any strings attached – they’re not going to come and stalk you afterwards. You pay for it, you get what you want.”

According to Rebel, the most important aspect of preparing for a threesome is setting your boundaries. Before you start, make it extremely clear to all parties what you’re willing to do and where you draw the line. This will prevent anything from going awry in the heat of the moment. 

“Men’s sexual, primal energy can be quite strong, and when two men get together, they’re like two animals together. A lot of testosterone, a lot of stuff going on and a simple moving of the hand may be ignored. It’s a lot like BDSM, you have your safe word.”

When you’re finally doing the deed, it’s important to keep communication open and let others know what feels good and what doesn’t. “Just go ‘Hey look, this is something that I’m wanting to do on my bucket list, I want to experience it and it may never happen again, so let’s just breathe into it and feel into it,” she says. “As long as you’ve got your boundaries and your communication and your safety, then there should be no concerns.”

Because we live in a society that still has reservations when it comes to sex and sexuality, Rebel says women can sometimes feel guilt and shame after engaging in these types of fantasies. “Men can have sex with 10 women in one week, but if a woman does, it’s a bit different. It’s still like that, unfortunately. I just think sexual liberation is being able to have your desires met. Whatever that is, go girl!”

For personal accounts of threesomes, read this.