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Why I stopped asking men what they do for a living

WORDS BY MARY-ROSE MADIGAN

“I had this niggling feeling I was just dating the wrong men, and I couldn’t figure out why I was getting it so wrong.”

Editor’s note: This account only applies to Mary’s firsthand experience as a cis, heterosexual woman who dates men. We understand the scope of dating and relationships is large and wonderfully varied, and note the below only reflects a snapshot of one perspective.

Let’s face it – dating is more about small talk than anything else (okay, and maybe your outfit). Dating actually taught me to become very efficient with small talk. I can cover family, friends, hobbies and professional aspirations, all within a thirty-minute coffee date.

The topic I always found taking up the most time was careers. If I’m honest, it was often a topic that came up before I even met the person. Somewhere between swiping and making plans, I almost always asked what they did for a living – and often their answer would be the clincher on if I’d bother meeting them in person or not.


Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.


I’ll be honest – some careers do just have more cachet. If a guy said he was a banker, doctor or builder, he seemed like a more appealing option. It meant he probably rented with friends and didn’t live at home, made good money and had already figured out what he wants to do with his life.

All of this screamed ‘stable’ to me. Surely we all grew up with the idea of our Prince Charming being a settled, career-driven guy – no Disney movie featured a prince having an existential crisis.

Now, I understand it might be tempting to judge me for this. Perhaps to call me shallow? But dating a person with their life figured out has its benefits. Who doesn’t want to date someone financially secure?

It’s pleasant and usually involves great dinners out and cocktails. It’s nice to be kissing someone with the potential to own property and a good credit rating. Somewhere in the middle of my dating spree, I realised my own biases about careers were limiting my dating pool.

I was going on dates with guys because of what they did, not who they were. Their jobs made them more desirable. I’d often end up sitting across from a man with a well-paying job and a likely healthy superannuation account – and I’d feel bored.

I mean, let’s face it. Talking about someone else’s work is pretty dry and financial security isn’t actually a sexual turn-on! You can have a healthy bank account and not make me orgasm – and that’s an issue.

I had this niggling feeling I was just dating the wrong men, and I couldn’t figure out why I was getting it so wrong. Then I realised once men ticked the right career box, I tended to stop asking more important questions.

What kind of music do you like? What are your opinions on Ash Barty? Do you think it’s okay to cut in line? Are you also intimidated by women with scarf collections? Instead, I was assuming because they were in a sensible job, they were going to be an eligible bachelor. I learnt that was wrong.

So I decided to stop asking ‘what do you do for a living?’ Instead, I’d fill our conversations with much more pressing matters. What’s exciting to you currently? Do you like The O.C. or Gossip Girl more? Was Joan Rivers hilarious or cringe? Why has there been no late-night show since Rove?

The answers I was getting were way more engaging (and fun). When the career conversation eventually did take place, it felt much less important. For instance, I dated a barista that was also trying desperately to become a comedian. Our dates were cheap, cheerful and always bursting with good chat! Sure – he didn’t have his life completely figured out, but we were having fun.

Of course, in a perfect world, I wouldn’t care what my dates did for a living; I’d enter every romantic encounter with no biases or hang-ups. I just needed to remove the career question to see the men I was dating clearly. Once I stopped asking the ‘what do you do for a living?’ question, I actually started living my best life.

I ended up meeting my current boyfriend. He doesn’t have his life completely figured out but makes me laugh harder than anyone. I feel safe in a way money can’t buy. It also taught me an incredible lesson: he doesn’t need his life ‘together’ to be a great date or even a great boyfriend.

Sometimes figuring out life together is the more exciting part. The question you should be asking on dates isn’t ‘what do you do?’, but ‘who are you?’. That answer is always way more interesting.

For more on modern dating, head here.

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