How do you feel about open relationships? 9 Fashion Journal readers weigh in

“I don’t necessarily think monogamy is sustainable… but you hear so much about these relationships going badly.”

If you’re a young person who’s actively dating right now, you’ve likely had a conversation – with fleeting romances or long-term partners – about open relationships. With ethical non-monogamy the dating du jour, it’s natural to feel curious. But open relationships aren’t for everyone.

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Like any healthy partnership, they’re founded on excellent communication, mutual respect, trust and healthy boundaries. The concept of ‘openness’ also varies, and every relationship involves different dynamics and levels of commitment. So how does the Fashion Journal community really feel about open relationships? Nine readers share their thoughts below.

Marion*, 25, she/her

I’m yet to see an open relationship where one person isn’t being screwed over.

Imi*, 26, she/her

I feel like they can work and be really happy and fulfilling for some people. But they require a really strong foundation of love, trust, communication, respect and time to work. Starting a relationship open seems like it would be difficult or even beginning an open relationship for the wrong reasons (like making your partner happy to keep the relationship)… would be hurtful and stressful.

Emerson*, 30, they/them

Open relationships are great for people who actively engage in polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous (ENM) communities. If they have done the research and are good with communication, like any relationship, it can work great.

However, as a queer person, I have found people who are practising bad polyamory or have only heard the word and then done none of the work are using biphobia and transphobia to justify harmful and hurtful behaviour. This includes not disclosing in their bio/or when chatting, not accepting that many single people are not going to be okay with being a third and not understanding that everyone involved has boundaries and needs communication in an open relationship – not just the couple.

I do not date people in relationships and am strictly monogamous. It’s a very firm boundary for me. However, six of my last online dates have only told me 30 minutes into the date they were already in a relationship. Not only was that a waste of my time and money, but also one took my rejection very badly which led to a scary situation for me. This happens across all genders I have dated. It is important to note these people were not looking for an equal relationship – just for me to have sex with them.

This has been a problem since I came out and has haunted me for years. I took to asking when chatting before going on a date, but that tends to scare off monogamous people. The latest trend of jokes about non-binary people has led to people assuming that non-binary means non-monogamous. This has led to people turning me down because they are single and only interested in monogamous relationships.

The assumption I am okay with being a third doesn’t happen when I hide my queerness on my bio. Bi and femme-presenting non-binary people have told me this is an issue for them as well. Gay men tend to tell me I am lucky the other person even told me they were in a relationship, which is very sad to hear.

TLDR, the bad practice of ENM has forced me off the apps. Hopefully, better discourse on how ENM works will help people practice healthy communication in all types of relationships. Without respect, every relationship type can be toxic.

Noah*, 25, he/him

It’s not for me but if it works for others, who am I to judge? The only thing I don’t like is being berated for my preference for monogamy, like being spoken to in a patronising manner that I’ll “grow up eventually” and I’ll “find out soon enough”. I don’t judge you, so don’t judge me.

Anne-Marie*, 25, she/her

A few years ago, the idea of open relationships seemed like a foreign concept to me, something I couldn’t quite wrap my head around or understand. The older I’ve gotten, the more I can see the healthy benefits of being open, particularly as I’ve seen a lot of close friends in monogamous relationships pretty unhappy.

Sena*, 35, she/her

One word to sum up open relationships? Exhausting. At a point in my life, I considered myself a try-sexual (you know like, try everything once to see if you like it?). I ended up in a polyamorous relationship with a lawyer. To begin with, I was super open to it. How fun, getting to meet cute boys a bit but still having a cute boy! But then it wasn’t fun.

It became a game for him – comparing us, dating girls that all looked like each other, pinning us up against each other. It became super stress-inducing and awful for my confidence. In time we broke up, and I’m so thankful we did. I’m sure open relationships have their place. But this… is a one-man gal.

Thea*, 19, she/her

I would never be able to be in an open relationship because I’m too jealous. Honestly, I’ve always thought that the possibility is just too far outside what I’d consider ‘my world’. Although, a close friend of mine is currently in an open relationship and is happier than I’ve seen her before.

Alex*, 20, she/her/they/them

I think they can be done well but it would be hard when you are told that relationships should be monogamous. You need to set rules and be honest with yourself if this is what you want or if there’s something else going on.

Farrah*, 27, she/her

I feel sceptical, I guess. I don’t necessarily think monogamy is sustainable or the only form of relationship, but you hear so much about these relationships going badly when one person is more ‘open’ than the other in the relationship.

*Names have been changed.

For more thoughts on open relationships, head here.